


he is going to save the world

by indisguise



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Healing, Hopeful Ending, Other, post 5x14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-08 00:46:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14093337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indisguise/pseuds/indisguise
Summary: It felt like he was drowning in the Atlantic again.Except this time it was his own thoughts and fears that were suffocating him.





	he is going to save the world

**Author's Note:**

> ! trigger warning !
> 
> not explicitly said, but suicidal thoughts are implied.

God they were idiots. They were all so stupid. 

_Or maybe it’s you who’s stupid._

He wasn’t having laughs or banter. He meant it. Every single word. They. Were. Idiots.

 _Cause thats all you ever do. Play and laugh. You can never quite get the job done because you always go back to your “meanigful words.”_  

Maybe he should take it off. He traced its outline for what felt like the billionth time. It was beautiful no doubt, but it still carries a weight. A weight, it seemed, that was getting heavier and heavier. 

 _Maybe you’re the idiot. You thought you could be happy with_ her _. She's a liar and a cold blooded killer and I told you’d she couldn’t love you. Now Ophelia however..._

He slammed his head against the wall. 

”Woah woah dude chill out I’ll leave if you want me to. I know I annoy you but I didn't realize I make you slam your head at night.” 

“Not everything is about you, Deke.” Deke flinched a little at the way he said his name. Perhaps it was intended to be sarcasm, perhaps not. “I didn’t even know you were there Deke and honestly I don’t need you. So would you just, GO AWAY.” He was only 3 inches from Deke’s face. The only thing separating them was a thin bulletproof glass divider. Deke was safe, at least physically, for now.

”No. Because one, I still have a pounding headache no thanks to you and I’ve been waiting for a proper apology and two, it was really hard to find the ring.”

”What about the ring?” 

_The ring means nothing. You are nothing with that ring._

”You may think I don’t know shit, but I’m not dumb. You were gonna take it off.” 

“Of course I want to Deke! That’s the second time I’ve held her at gunpoint!" Fitz shook his head. "Don’t you get it? The woman I love more than anyone or anything was shot. By me. And everyone expects me to just pick myself up and continue on my way.” He caught his breath in his chest. “No, you know what? You are stupid Deke.” He turned back to face the glass and flung the wedding ring as hard as he could at Deke's face. Or course, it didn’t make a dent. Not one that could be seen on the surface at least.

 _See now isn’t that better? The weight is gone. You can continue with your more important work. Finish with the worthless boy and let’s finish what we started—what_ you  _started._

“You sell us out, and then you come skipping along to a timeline, you don’t even belong in, expecting to be a part of the team? No no no no. You are nothing but a headache. You are wort—“ 

“Oh Fitz!” 

_Thats not your name. Ignore it. Finish that sentence. He is what, Leopold Fitz?_

“Deke shut up I need t-t-t to..um...to think...” The way Deke had said his name, it was so familiar, something about it...

“Yeah no I’m sure you do. You got a lot to process, more than most at least.” He turned to him, both of their eyebrows furrowing the same way. “I mean I’ve heard the stories. Little snippets, a conversation or two with Daisy, I pieced it together.” 

“Oh. So you talked to the girl I just tortured and suddenly you got me all figured out. Yeah. Sure.” 

“I know you had false memories implanted. I know you killed. I know you were a terrible person because Mr. Mr. Fitz didn’t win father of the year award. I suppose that’s why you talk down to me? Runs in the family doesn’t it?” 

Fitz looked at him, a very small trace of surprise written across his face. And he pondered for a short moment what that last sentence meant.

“I’m not as stupid as I look.” 

 _Yes he is. He’s a lying bastard. He says the same thing everyone does anyway. That your father made you “Leopold.” No. You are Leopold Fitz. Nobody made you anything. You worked for this. You worked_ hard  _for this. You worked hard for this so you and Ophelia could be happy together._

“Yeah yeah sure.” He waved his hand at Deke and the moment was gone. There was something he had to figure out...something...he couldn’t remember it.

“You aren’t this person Fitz. I know you’re a good guy—“ 

_No. I am not a "good guy". I am a perfect man._

"No! Everybody keeps s-s-saying that. I'm...something is...n-n-not...my mind is so jumbled!"

_That's because you are weak. So pathetic you can't even form sentences._

"Dude you okay?" Fitz slammed his fists down on the table. 

"No Deke! I'm obviously not! It's like there is someone t-t-talking...in um..." He waved his hand at Deke, trying to find the right words.

"Your brain?" 

"Yes!" He collapsed onto the bed, trying to cover his face. 

"Woah woah woah dude! It's okay. No. Stop. There's no need to cry! I'll go get Simmons." 

_Can't even hold it together in a conversation. Worthless._

"No! I mean...no, please don't get Simmons." He rubbed his hands across his temples. There had to be a way.

Well, there was one way.

_You are better than this._

After all the things he'd done--

_After all the success you've had--_

After how he lied--

_After how you saved the world--_

After how he hurt her--

_After how she killed your father!_

After--

_After--_

After--

_After--_

It felt like he was drowning in the Atlantic again.

Except this time it was his own thoughts and fears that were suffocating him.

And he can't stop it.

He needs to stop it.

If not for her, than for himself. 

"Fitz?"

"Yeah?" 

"Whatcha thinking about?" 

"Everything." He paused thoughtfully. "Nothing." 

"Well I guess I'll be going now. You obviously don't want me here and I'll just go grace someone else with my presence." 

"Do I deserve to live?" Deke stopped mid pace. "Just..." His voice cracked sending another stream of tears down his cheeks. He blinked them away like it hurt him. Like it was killing him to cry but if he held it inside he might die from it's weight. Like the weight of the ring. The ring... "After everything I-I-I've done. Me." He jabbed a finger at his chest. The same motion a person would use if they were holding a knife. 

"Of course you do. You weren't actually thinking of--" Fitz shot him a glance. "Listen, I know you've been through hell." Fitz chortled. 

"At least three that I can count." His laugh faded to a chuckle and then eventually another set of tears. "And at least one where I was the devil." A small smile crept across Deke's face. It wasn't funny, but it was the first time Fitz had talked to him. Actually  _talked_ to him. Like they weren't a Fitz and a Deke. Like they were a grandfather with stories to tell and things to teach and a grandson with wonder and admiration written across his face. 

"Fitz?"

"Yes Deke?"

"This might be bad timing--"

"Sorry."

"What?"

"Earlier, you said you came here for an apology. I sincerely apologize." 

"Okay..." And he was actually being sincere. No sarcasm (that could be detected) whatsoever. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." There was an awkward silence for a moment. Deke waited a few beats before clearing his throat. 

"Anyway, I was saying earlier--

"Yes you were saying. Sorry I said sorry earlier. You did seem like you were about to have some kind of speech."

"Mhm, you did interrupt me."

"Don't push it Deke." He held his hands up as a sign of a truce. 

"I know you're a good guy." 

"That's what everybody keeps telling me. It's like a broken record. Over and over and over.” He twirled his fingers as he said each word. It was almost as if he could hear the words repeating each time.  Because despite all their endearments and positive fortune cookie quotes that's who he is. Because he lived a life as Leopold, a much more vivid one too. He is Leopold. And no smile and hug and “you’re a good person it’s okay Fitz” is going to make that go away. 

_That's right. You are Leopold._

"Well they're right."

"And how do you know that, Deke?" Why, why did Fitz have to say his name like that?

"Because. I remember--" His voice cracked. "I remember when..." He sniffled. Him and Fitz made eye contact. A brief, fluttering moment of eye contact. "My mom used to talk about her dad." Fitz's head shot up. His eyes were bloodshot with the memories of every terrible thing he'd done. But somewhere, in the center of his eye, was a glimmer of hope. Deke could see it. It was the same glimmer that his mom had. And Deke realized, that if he had sparked something that hadn't been seen in a terribly long time, who would he be if he didn't try to keep that spark alive?

"No..." It wasn't quite a denying no. It was a breathless no. As if Fitz couldn't quite bring himself to believe, to  _hope,_ that it was true. 

"And she was the most amazing person I had ever met. And she--" His voice cracked again, except this time he couldn't stop the tears. Fitz stared at him wide-eyed. "--she said she learned it all from you." He offered Fitz a small, confirming smile.

"So...y-y-you're my..." Realization dawned on his face. "... _our_ grandson."

"Yours and Simmons, yeah." Fitz turned to Deke, and turned back to himself. His eyes were calculating, but his face was telling. 

"You sure?" Deke let out a throaty laugh. He realized then, that he'd been holding his breath. 

"Yeah Fitz. I'm pretty sure. I don't really go announcing who I'm related to. That kind of stuff gets you killed." 

"But me and Jemma, we're  _the_ Fitzsimmons, and you're...well...you're  _you._ "

"Hey I don't know man. I got teleported here and they have ice cream and oranges and Zima and oh my god! Can you make me that buffalo mozzarella sandwich that my mom would always talk about! She used to make it and it was really delicious but she said she could never make it just right." Deke took a breath, overcome with excitement. "And I've been meaning to ask you this entire time but then there was the whole thing of having a 'hey I'm your grandson' talk that I was not prepared to have so I was just wondering if you could make it?"

_I detest mozzarella._

"So...you really are...our grandson?"

"I'm like 99 percent sure." 

"Huh. Well you can go ask Jemma to make it. She's the only one who knows how. I guess you missed that in your history lesson with your mum." 

"Oh come on Fitz! No, hey Deke! You're our grandson? Amazing! Love ya to the end of the Earth bud!"

"Well as far as I know I might've just caused they end of the Earth Deke." Deke looked at him. There was just no winning.

_But you completed your work._

"Or...you could've just saved it." Fitz shook his head. 

"Time is set Deke. The only thing we can do is live our lives and wait for the inevitable."

_Unless, we rebuild the framework._

"Huh, you know that's funny Fitz. That's not what my mom said her dad used to say when he tucked her into bed at night." Fitz rocked his body back and forth. His brain was overloading. It's almost as if Deke could see his brain trying to reconnect the dots.  

_You don't have a daughter._

"S-s-stop it D-Deke---"

"You used to tell her, that one day she would save the world. And you know what? She told me the same thing. Every. Single. Night. And not once did I stop believing it." Deke threw his arms up. "And here I am Fitz! Trying to put the pieces back together! I need you to do that for her. Cause she needs it. And Daisy needs it. And all the other team members need it. And Simmons  _knows_ it. I can tell by the way she looks at you Fitz! It's like she sees the world in you. She sees the man who she will love for the rest of her life and the man who will save the world from destruction. She sees that same man in  _you._ And if I learned anything from my mom besides not dying? It's that  _you are that man._ You always have been, and will always be that man." Deke smiled at the lasting memory of her. "And I remember her telling me one night, after I had cried my eyes out because I had accidentally killed a baby roach, that every light has a shadow. You just have to learn how to control it." 

_You are in control._

Fitz stared at him in disbelief. He had a daughter; a beautiful, intelligent, wise, caring daughter that he already loved with all of his heart. And a grandson. And he was here. And maybe...he was a little bit better than when they had first met. Deke, oh please pray that his daughter hadn't chosen that name, had started to wear off on him. (Though he'd probably never admit that.)

I voice shouting a couple rooms over stirred Fitz from his thoughts. 

_Ignore him. He is wrong. You don't have a daughter. You don't have a grandson. You are Leopold Fitz and you have complete control of the situation._

"Sounds like someone's calling me. Maybe I am _actually_ useful! Maybe. Nice talk though Fitz. And thanks for the apology." Fitz barely even noticed him leaving though. It had caught his eye. 

_Ignore it. Focus. You can leave this cell. You can move forward with your work._

It was so perfect. Just like her. Another set of tears rolled down his face. God. He wished he could go back.

_You can't go back. You can only move forward._

Maybe...what if...

He started crawling towards it. His hand reached for it. It felt like he was reaching for something impossible to catch. Something like hope.

He closed his hand around it. He had to protect it.

_Put it down._

His love for her grew stronger (if that was even possible.)

_You are weak!_

He closed his eyes. Watching himself in agony was of no interest to him. Carefully, slowly, he pushed it onto his third finger.

_No--_

And the weight was back. But it wasn't a bearing weight like he had thought it was. It was the weight of the love he had for his mum, for the team, for Jemma, for his daughter, even a little bit for Deke. And he was going to get better. Maybe. 

But at least for now he could close his eyes. At least for now he could have restful sleep. And I least for now, he knew in his heart that he would never stop. Not once. He would save the world. And he would never,  _ever_ have to promise that to his daughter when he tucked her into bed at night.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i don't really understand how a psychic split works and i would really appreciate any feedback. also, please let me know if any of the representation is inaccurate and/or disrespectful.
> 
> anyways, thanks for reading :)


End file.
